The last few months would be marked on the lower end of the emotional roller coaster of my Peace Corps service. (I think Peace Corps actual gave us a sheet of paper that said this would happen.)
Nothing drastic or tragic happened to me or my loved ones. I just think it would have happened in do time anyway, the challenges of living abroad, away from friends and family, good food/comforts of a first world country. Or maybe it was deeper than that. And of course there is the general overall question I ask myself everyday, what the hell am I doing here? So, life has been eating away at me and I've been a little low these last few months.
I went to Mauritius, as a vacation after being in this country (Madagascar) for over a year. I thought what better thing for my mood than to leave the country? I thought I'd come back and be refreshed for my next year of service.
Mauritius was gorgeous, clean, friendly and had amazing food...and warm showers and the list goes on and on. It was a wonderful trip with wonderful people! But something still wasn't quite right with me. I didn't express the fun I was having the way I used to, the way I wanted to. My emotions were still in the gutter while in Mauritius ( but let me say, if they were literally in the gutters of Mauritius, my emotions would have been in the cleanest of gutters).
On top of feeling strange, there's nothin like a wake up call that you've arrived in a third world country than the airport itself. A highly disfunctional airport, that has roaches crawling around, lines that never seem to shrink and the employees that are oblivious to what their job title actual entails.
Shit. I wasn't feeling so refreshed. I felt tired, annoyed, and anxious trying to remember how to speak Malagasy again.
With that long month behind me, after being in Antananarivo with volunteers ending their service, and the Peace Corps training center with trainees just beginning their service, and then Mauritius, I thought the best thing for me (now) would be getting back to my village (where there are no airports).
I arrived in the morning after a long brousse ride through the night. The kids were still on Easter Break and so they welcomed me with smiles and assisted me by hauling my bags up the hill. Things were going well! It felt good to sleep in my own bed, alone. It was quiet, the air was clean, the sun was shining over the river and it brought me warmth. This country is beautiful and the people are very welcoming in a special sort of way and with all the problems this country does have, I still enjoy being here.
The next month was the beginning of my project with my village. Which kept me fairly busy, busy enough to somewhat keep my mind off of how I was feeling. I got a kitten. I spent time with the kids, I visited the surrounding villages, met up with some friends. I started to get into the flow of things. But the everyday question stills lingers, what the hell am I doing here?
Eventually I realized that I was absorbed in myself and how I felt, I let my conscious get the best of me and stopped looking at the bigger picture, about life around me.
I was so self absorbed. I felt guilty for having more than others, for maybe not giving it 100% each day, for taking that fancy vacation. I was anxious all of the time. I was worried about what people thought of me.
I also realized I was waiting on letters that would never arrive from friends back home. I was so worried and concerned of losing my old relationships that I stopped developing the ones I had and was making here.
I stopped living in the present moment and was reminded when I was telling a friend about my continual downward slope that my emotions were on and he told me that if living from day to day is hard enough, why not try living from hour to hour?
So, I've been working on that, being actively present in each moment and trying not to look too closely at the past and not too far into the future or what it may bring.
But if I ever wanted to look into the past I guess I can read this blog post. Because don't they say that's what blogs are for? Yourself and looking back. I'm writing this because I know that I lost myself during those couple of months but I am certain that a stronger me has emerged.
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